Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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