Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
