you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
