No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
