We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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