Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
