Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize