I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize