even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
