this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
