Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize