I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
