I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize