My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
