I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
