Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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