i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have fence marks all over my body
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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