I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
