Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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