My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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