I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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