Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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