i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
