Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
