Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
