Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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