can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
