how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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