i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
