Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
