I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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