I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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