woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
