he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
