I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
