Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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