Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
