and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
