So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize