just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
