I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize