So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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