I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
