I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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