so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
