The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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