holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
try to milk me bitch
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