I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize