So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
