Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
