the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
