so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If that was your dad, he is hot
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize