Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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