Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
