I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize