The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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