shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
