why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
