I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
