dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
