Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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