I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
